Today is National Coming Out Day. I think that coming out is a concept that a lot of people really don’t seem to understand. Or at least people who don’t have anything to come out about don’t understand.
In general people who vary from the norm have to come out because everyone is assumed to be the norm unless otherwise specified. Heterosexuals, cis-gendered, and vanilla people rarely have to come out if ever. The exceptions being for those who may not fit perfectly into the gender that society expects them to have. Men who are “not masculine enough” or women who are “too masculine” sometimes have to come out as heterosexual, or at least spend time having to try to convince the rest of the world that they’re not queer.
But see here’s the thing that a lot of people really don’t understand. Coming out isn’t something you do just once or twice. Coming out is something you do for your entire life. Every time you meet someone you have to decide whether or not that person should know that you are who you are. It’s often a weighing of pros and cons. What kind of reaction do I think this person will have? Does my taxi driver need to know I’m queer? Does my dentist need to know? Does the woman sitting next to me on the airplane need to know that I work in the adult industry? If I don’t tell people am I hiding or am I just avoiding a possibly awkward situation with someone that I don’t know or care about? Or maybe today I’m just too worn out from explaining my identity and my life to everyone. Today I just don’t feel like having to be the one who explains what queer means, why I call my partner my wife even though we’re not legally married, or how important my job is to me and how I feel like I’m changing the world even if you think what I do is reprehensible. Sometimes I’m just not up for it. It drains you.
It’s a process. At this point I’m pretty open with everyone in my life about my relationship and my sexuality. However, I often let strangers assume whatever they want to unless I feel like they won’t give me shit or I feel like talking a whole lot that day. And, I’m not too open about what I do for work. I’m getting better now that I’m on the west coast. More people seem to be okay with it. But it’s just another thing I do that people frown upon and don’t understand.
So, while it is important for people to come out because it sucks to constantly lie about who you are and it’s important for others to know someone who is LGBTQIA or a sex worker, it’s also important to take care of yourself. It’s important to protect yourself in times of danger and to live your life instead of having to explain it all the time to everyone.
I look forward to a day when nothing is assumed and either everyone comes out or no one does. We just live our lives without having to explain.
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This post, National Coming Out Day, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 10/11/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: National Coming Out Day. Thanks for visiting!
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